Find Out If You Should Pursue Your Ex Or If You Should Let Go of the Relationship
I have seen a lot of articles and advertisement on the web that are aimed at "getting your ex back". I started to write a step by step guide on "how to get your ex back" and I changed my mind. I decided to stay true to my convictions and put information out there that people need to hear and not just what is popular. Before, I address how to get your ex back, I have to ask: Why do you want your ex back? You need to ask yourself the following question before you pursue your ex: Do I really want my ex back or am I just lonely? Is my ex really the person for me? Should I move on? In most cases I feel that an ex is an ex for a valid reason. It has been said that an ex is an example of what you don't want in the future. There are probably only a few circumstances that I recommend you pursue an ex. Lets talk about which situations you should pursue your ex and which situations you should let an ex go.
Let's start with the reasons you should not get back with your ex:
Reason #1: You should not pursue your ex in order to cure heartbreak or loneliness. It is very natural to feel hurt or lonely after a break up. You would have to be superhuman not to feel these emotions. You are more than likely to miss your ex from time to time. Obviously, you enjoyed their company and liked or loved them when you were with them. Those feelings are not going to go away all of a sudden because you guys broke up. Just because you miss your ex doesn't mean that two of you should get back together. Often people break up when they are angry with each other.The anger eventually subsides and you start to forget why you broke up in the first place. You begin to miss you ex and you want to get back together. I have seen couples go through this exact cycle only to get back together experience the same problems /conflicts that they had before and eventually break up again. Bottom line: Don't mistake loneliness for a valid reason to get back with your ex.
Reason #2: Jealousy
Sometime couples can not stand to be with each other but they also can't stand to see their significant other with any one else either. They will continue a relationship with someone that they know isn't right for them because they don't want them to date someone else. If this describes your feelings you need to get that " little green monster" in check. Jealousy is not a good reason to stay in a relationship or get back with your ex. Trust me in time you will get over your ex and you won't care who he/she dates.
Reason #3: Hoping that they will change
Just because you two broke up a week ago, doesn't mean he or she has changed. Often because you love someone you hope that they will change for the better. Don't expect that a break-up will automatically cause your partner to change and treat you the way you want to be treated. Sometimes a break-up does cause the other person to realize how important you were in their life and they do treat you better. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case, or the norm. It's more like the exception to the rule. Sometimes the person will appear to have changed or may say that they have changed in order to get you back. The only way you can truly tell if someone has genuinely changed is examining their behavior over a period of time. If someone says that they have change I wouldn't suggest jumping back into the relationship right away. I would suggest you take things slow and really see if they have changed before rekindling the relationships.
Reasons why you may want to give the relationship another try:
Reason #1: You spoke out of anger
Anger is a very powerful emotion. Some of us have a hard time calming down and controlling our emotions once we have become angry. Often in a moment of anger we say things that we later regret. A simple fight over nothing could turn into an all out war. You both could have been so heated during an argument that you said things to one another that caused you to break-up. Often couples will say things like "If you feel like that, then maybe we shouldn't be together". The other person responds: "Maybe your right, we shouldn't be together". The next thing you know the two of you are broken up. If you two have a generally healthy relationship you shouldn't let a silly argument break you up. If this describes the situation you are currently in and you want your ex back, you need to humble yourself and apologize. Often after a fight no one wants to admit that they were wrong. Pride often is an even stronger emotion that anger. It doesn't really matter who was right or wrong. What matters is you still want to be with your ex. Once you come to this realization you need to start a dialogue with your ex. Call him or her and ask them if you they would be willing to meet with you. Tell them that you don't want to fight with them and that you would really appreciate their time if they would be willing to meet with you. Don't start this important conversation over the phone or text message. If they are unwilling to meet or talk with you can write them a letter apologizing for your behavior. Send it to them "snail mail" (regular mail), if you send it via email they are more likely to ignore or delete your message. It is best if you can meet face to face so that they can see your willingness to make amends. If your ex is willing to meet with you DO NOT rehash out all the details of the fight. Rehashing the details will probably lead to another argument. Apologize for the things that you said wrong. Don't expect or ask your significant other to apologize to you in exchange for your apology. At this time you want to focus on admitting your personal shortcomings and not focus on their faults.
Reason #2: You were wrong and you now realize it
Did you cheat on your partner? Were you verbally or physically abusive? Did you take your partner for granted? Were you a workaholic?
If you answered yes to any of these questions your behavior definitely contributed to the break-up. You may feel especially guilty regarding your actions. You may even wish that you could rewind time and do things differently. You cannot rewind the past but you can sincerely apologize to your partner for your short comings. If you sincerely want your partner back and you have mended your ways start by admitting what you did wrong in the relationship. If you really haven't changed please do not try to get your ex back. It is not fair to the other person to ask them to give you another chance if you are only going to continue your same behavior. Please don't make any promises that you cannot keep. If you are sure that you have reformed your ways start by explaining to your former partner that you are now aware of your shortcomings. Let them know how you have fixed things or plan to improve things in the future. Example: If you were a workaholic with three jobs, (don't laugh, I know people with three jobs) you can quit one of your jobs and let your partner know that you have restructured your schedule so that the two of you will have more time to spend together.
Reason#3: You took them for granted
They say you don't miss something until it's gone. Do you realize that your life isn't the same without the love of your life? Did you always think that this person was going to be around and now they are gone? Do you realize that you took your relationship for granted? Relationships take a lot of work. You have to feed and water them or they will die. You have to show love to your partner on a daily basis. Often people that have been together for a while can fall into a boring routine and forget to make their partner feel special. You can fall into the daily grind of paying bills and working and you forget to take time to show your partner that you appreciate and love them. If you don't show your partner that you love and care for them, how will they know? A neglected partner may begin to look for attention and affection in the arms of someone else. They may have decided to end the relationship because they could not stay in a relationship where they were being ignored. If you find yourself in this position and are ready to change, start by apologizing to your ex for your lack of affection, attention etc. Let them know that you realize that you took them for granted. Let them know how bad you have felt since they have been out of your life. Don't be afraid to be humble and bare your feelings. Don't let your pride get in the way of you expressing your true feelings. If your ex is receptive to giving the relationship another chance, establish a plan of action for the future. Pick one day a week or at least once month that will be your date night. Set aside time each day to let your partner know that you love and care about them. Ask your ex what you can do to show them your appreciation and love. Every person likes to be shown love in different ways so make sure that you get their opinion on how they would like to be shown love. Don't assume that your partner wants to be loved in the same way as you like to be.
Examine your motives for wanting to get back with your ex. If you really feel that you guys can have a healthy successful relationship the second time around then follow the steps above. Be patient with your partner it may take them time to come around to the idea of giving you a second chance. Good Luck!
Let's start with the reasons you should not get back with your ex:
Reason #1: You should not pursue your ex in order to cure heartbreak or loneliness. It is very natural to feel hurt or lonely after a break up. You would have to be superhuman not to feel these emotions. You are more than likely to miss your ex from time to time. Obviously, you enjoyed their company and liked or loved them when you were with them. Those feelings are not going to go away all of a sudden because you guys broke up. Just because you miss your ex doesn't mean that two of you should get back together. Often people break up when they are angry with each other.The anger eventually subsides and you start to forget why you broke up in the first place. You begin to miss you ex and you want to get back together. I have seen couples go through this exact cycle only to get back together experience the same problems /conflicts that they had before and eventually break up again. Bottom line: Don't mistake loneliness for a valid reason to get back with your ex.
Reason #2: Jealousy
Sometime couples can not stand to be with each other but they also can't stand to see their significant other with any one else either. They will continue a relationship with someone that they know isn't right for them because they don't want them to date someone else. If this describes your feelings you need to get that " little green monster" in check. Jealousy is not a good reason to stay in a relationship or get back with your ex. Trust me in time you will get over your ex and you won't care who he/she dates.
Reason #3: Hoping that they will change
Just because you two broke up a week ago, doesn't mean he or she has changed. Often because you love someone you hope that they will change for the better. Don't expect that a break-up will automatically cause your partner to change and treat you the way you want to be treated. Sometimes a break-up does cause the other person to realize how important you were in their life and they do treat you better. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case, or the norm. It's more like the exception to the rule. Sometimes the person will appear to have changed or may say that they have changed in order to get you back. The only way you can truly tell if someone has genuinely changed is examining their behavior over a period of time. If someone says that they have change I wouldn't suggest jumping back into the relationship right away. I would suggest you take things slow and really see if they have changed before rekindling the relationships.
Reasons why you may want to give the relationship another try:
Reason #1: You spoke out of anger
Anger is a very powerful emotion. Some of us have a hard time calming down and controlling our emotions once we have become angry. Often in a moment of anger we say things that we later regret. A simple fight over nothing could turn into an all out war. You both could have been so heated during an argument that you said things to one another that caused you to break-up. Often couples will say things like "If you feel like that, then maybe we shouldn't be together". The other person responds: "Maybe your right, we shouldn't be together". The next thing you know the two of you are broken up. If you two have a generally healthy relationship you shouldn't let a silly argument break you up. If this describes the situation you are currently in and you want your ex back, you need to humble yourself and apologize. Often after a fight no one wants to admit that they were wrong. Pride often is an even stronger emotion that anger. It doesn't really matter who was right or wrong. What matters is you still want to be with your ex. Once you come to this realization you need to start a dialogue with your ex. Call him or her and ask them if you they would be willing to meet with you. Tell them that you don't want to fight with them and that you would really appreciate their time if they would be willing to meet with you. Don't start this important conversation over the phone or text message. If they are unwilling to meet or talk with you can write them a letter apologizing for your behavior. Send it to them "snail mail" (regular mail), if you send it via email they are more likely to ignore or delete your message. It is best if you can meet face to face so that they can see your willingness to make amends. If your ex is willing to meet with you DO NOT rehash out all the details of the fight. Rehashing the details will probably lead to another argument. Apologize for the things that you said wrong. Don't expect or ask your significant other to apologize to you in exchange for your apology. At this time you want to focus on admitting your personal shortcomings and not focus on their faults.
Reason #2: You were wrong and you now realize it
Did you cheat on your partner? Were you verbally or physically abusive? Did you take your partner for granted? Were you a workaholic?
If you answered yes to any of these questions your behavior definitely contributed to the break-up. You may feel especially guilty regarding your actions. You may even wish that you could rewind time and do things differently. You cannot rewind the past but you can sincerely apologize to your partner for your short comings. If you sincerely want your partner back and you have mended your ways start by admitting what you did wrong in the relationship. If you really haven't changed please do not try to get your ex back. It is not fair to the other person to ask them to give you another chance if you are only going to continue your same behavior. Please don't make any promises that you cannot keep. If you are sure that you have reformed your ways start by explaining to your former partner that you are now aware of your shortcomings. Let them know how you have fixed things or plan to improve things in the future. Example: If you were a workaholic with three jobs, (don't laugh, I know people with three jobs) you can quit one of your jobs and let your partner know that you have restructured your schedule so that the two of you will have more time to spend together.
Reason#3: You took them for granted
They say you don't miss something until it's gone. Do you realize that your life isn't the same without the love of your life? Did you always think that this person was going to be around and now they are gone? Do you realize that you took your relationship for granted? Relationships take a lot of work. You have to feed and water them or they will die. You have to show love to your partner on a daily basis. Often people that have been together for a while can fall into a boring routine and forget to make their partner feel special. You can fall into the daily grind of paying bills and working and you forget to take time to show your partner that you appreciate and love them. If you don't show your partner that you love and care for them, how will they know? A neglected partner may begin to look for attention and affection in the arms of someone else. They may have decided to end the relationship because they could not stay in a relationship where they were being ignored. If you find yourself in this position and are ready to change, start by apologizing to your ex for your lack of affection, attention etc. Let them know that you realize that you took them for granted. Let them know how bad you have felt since they have been out of your life. Don't be afraid to be humble and bare your feelings. Don't let your pride get in the way of you expressing your true feelings. If your ex is receptive to giving the relationship another chance, establish a plan of action for the future. Pick one day a week or at least once month that will be your date night. Set aside time each day to let your partner know that you love and care about them. Ask your ex what you can do to show them your appreciation and love. Every person likes to be shown love in different ways so make sure that you get their opinion on how they would like to be shown love. Don't assume that your partner wants to be loved in the same way as you like to be.
Examine your motives for wanting to get back with your ex. If you really feel that you guys can have a healthy successful relationship the second time around then follow the steps above. Be patient with your partner it may take them time to come around to the idea of giving you a second chance. Good Luck!
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